Day 20

Twenty days. Twenty days have gone by since Cody left, and it still feels like he left yesterday. Why can't time go faster? Why can't he just be home already? We miss him so much. 

We got two letters in the mail from him today. Talk about a shock! He has so little time to write it was amazing! He's doing okay, having a little trouble, but I have confidence in him, and I know he'll do fine. We are hoping for a phone cal from him tomorrow, though short it may be. The baby needs to hear his daddy's voice. 

Today was pretty rough. We had some issues within the household, had to make some changes, and now I am home alone... At night. I hate this. Yeah, I have my own ways of protecting myself, but I'm scared I'm not quick enough to protect the baby. And this house is godawful creepy. I got some laundry done today, and made potato salad. 

We were supposed to go to my grandma's for an easter thing but that didn't work out. Also, we almost ran out of formula, and we ran out of money weeks ago. So my inlaws brought some over, and came to see the baby. We sat outside for a bit while he tried to catch the cat. He pulls her hair and her ears, and she just meows in complaint. She hasn't tried to eat him yet. 

Tiny Baby got so tired today, he was falling asleep in his bouncer before I fed him dinner. So I fed him, then we sat outside to wait for them to show up, he was trying to walk while I held him up. And for some reason he keeps shoving his hand down his throat, gagging himself and thinks it's funny. 

I haven't eaten all day... I don't know what's wrong with me. I literally keep forgetting to eat, and it doesn't bother me in the least. When I try to eat something I look at the food and feel sick. I force myself to eat and I get sick. I'm still shaking a little. Ah well. I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway... 

Tomorrow I am going to try and finish the laundry, and possibly go to my mom's for the paperview. I hope she gets it, I could use the distraction, and an excuse to go to her house... She's been so good to me, she paid my phone bill just so I could get the phone call from Cody so he could talk to the baby... I love her so much, and my daddy for being so caring. He tries to make sure I'm involved, invited to stuff and not losing my mind. I'm glad I have so many people that care about me. 

Addie has been helping me too, she tries to make sure my brain is in other places and not constantly on the fact that Cody isn't here. I really owe her a lot. 

Well, I better get the laundry switched over so the wet clothes can dry... Until tomorrow everyone! 

Hoping I get a call from you tomorrow baby, you could use encouragement just as much as me... <3

Day 19

I struggled today. With thoughts of Cody being deployed and never seeing him again, I couldn't make it the entire day cleaning and unpacking. I kept finding things that had different meanings to him and wondering what would happen to them if he never came home. I know I shouldn't think like that, but it's a thought that won't stay out of my head. 

I got the tv and game stand moved downstairs, and got all the boxes a little more organized. Cleaned up the baby's room so he could play on the floor while I cleaned. I also got a little laundry done, not much, but at least some. I need a shower... Haha. 

Tiny Baby refused to take his naps today, and cried himself out finally. He had "garden vegetables" for dinner, haha whatever those are. We took lots of pictures today, some of which I am going to print off and send in his letter tonight. He has started using the "guh" noise more frequently, instead of screaming AHAHAHAHAHAH! at me. He will eat anything I give him, he hasn't turned his nose up yet, or spit anything at me on purpose. When he blows his little raspberries at Mommy he thinks its funny when food goes everywhere. 

He is in bed now, trying to fight sleep. He gave me so many smiles and kisses and hugs today. I think he knew I needed them. Hopefully we get a letter from Cody tomorrow... Usually when I get a letter, everything is okay again. I wrote Cody a 4 paper letter today, teehee. I love writing to him, and him writing to me. I found the folder I kept all the letters he wrote me in highschool in and got to read them all this morning. 

I'm glad I have such a sweet husband, and I never want anything to happen to him. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. He is the most amazing man I have ever known. 

Cody, baby we love you and will keep loving you!!! 

Day 18

So things are looking up a little. Had a pretty good day. Happy birthday to  my sister in law Tori! HI TORI!!! Anyway, the day started off with me waking up feeling like utter crap. I haven't been eating much, so I keep ending up shaking and sick. Don't freak out, I try to eat, but I cant seem to swallow much or keep it down. 


We went to lunch at Noodles & Co. for Tori's birthday. Talk about an adventure! Her car wouldn't start this morning so they jumped it, and when we got back it wouldn't even make a noise when we tried to turn it on. So we had to take the jeep. Then we picked up her plates and went to get my ID. WHICH I finally have! It's so cool! 
Then when I got home, SURPRISE!!! A letter from Cody! HELLZ YES!


So of course, I got to read the letter, and then wrote him a quick one so I wouldn't miss a day of sending him one. Apparently he got all my letters that I sent him the first day I had his address, and his DS told him apparently someone really loves him haha, it was funny how he described it. I love getting his letters, they make me feel so much better. 


Tiny Baby is getting too big for his little britches! He stands himself up, and now instead of falling back down and bonking his noggin, he plops himself on his butt and catches himself with his hands! And he started using the guh-guh-guh noise today. He's getting too damn big!!! 


Anyway, I have a long day of cleaning and organizing tomorrow, so I had better end this here! Cody we love you and can't wait for you to read all these! 

Day 17

Today was a little better than yesterday. Of course no paramedics were called, so it was probably saintly compared to yesterday. I still haven't gotten to any of my projects, but I hope to fix that this weekend at the latest. There's so much to do in the next two months, I just can't seem to get myself motivated. 


Tiny Baby has been pretty happy. Still keeps his binky around, though. Poor little guy misses his Daddy so much. I play some videos we had made for him every now and then so he wont forget his Daddy's voice, and show him pictures still. I am going to start uploading videos of me and Tiny Baby for him to watch when he is in AIT, here shortly. They will be on youtube, so if you want the link for it, let me know. He has been very vocal lately, mostly yelling AHHH at me, but he says MMM every now and then, and said MAMA twice since Cody left. He is also pulling himself up in his playpen now and looking over the side at me like "Hey! Lady!" It's awful cute. 


Me, eh. I'm kind of in a numbness at this point. I have my good days, my okay days, my bad days, and my oh shit kill me now days. Mostly the last two, but I am okay. I have to be, for Cody. He wants and needs me to be strong, and yes I fall apart and wish him to come home, but I am supporting him with every ounce of strength I have. I am sending him a package tomorrow, with pens, stamps and pictures, as well as a REALLY long letter. 


My house is a mess, my car doesn't work, my phones are about to be shut off, as well as internet and utilities, and rent is due on the first. No paycheck has come yet. BUT, I'm not too freaked out. It will work itself out, or at least level out at some point. 55 more days until family day, which means 53 until I leave for it. Whether I like it or not, I'm going to make it. I just wish I could see the road there clearly enough to be okay. I'll get there. 


Oh and I tried canned oysters today, since Utah has no fresh southern food. All I have to say is GOD I HATE BEING LANDLOCKED. Yech. 


Anyway, Cody I know you will be reading this at some point, and I hope you are okay and getting enough sleep and food. Tiny Baby and I miss you SO SO much and hope you miss us too!!! 

Day 16

Today has been the hardest day since Cody left, I think. I didn't have the energy or desire to wake up this morning, and could barely move when I did. Stress and depression have been kicking me in the side of the head all day. And what happened made it even worse.

Early this afternoon, our baby started choking on something while lying flat on his back in his playpen. We were at my mom's house. He had been just laying there quietly, sucking on his binky, and suddenly started choking and couldn't breathe. I immediately picked him up, checked his mouth and airway, and then flipped him over and started patting his back, telling my sister to call 911. I had to walk her through what to tell them because I was trying to get him breathing again. He couldn't seem to swallow or cough up whatever it was, so we think it may have been too much saliva from teething, but he finally threw up. The lady stayed on the phone with us, checking how many breaths he was taking, until the EMTs and the ambulance showed up.

The EMTs sent the ambulance off, after making sure Tiny Baby was okay, and continued to keep an eye on him for about ten minutes. By then, the baby was laughing and kicking his foot at the EMT's hand. I'm fairly certain my heart had stopped when the baby stopped breathing. It scared the hell out of my sister, too. After that, Tiny Baby was okay, grumpy but okay. 

I spent the rest of the day nearly in tears. I couldn't call or anything to tell Cody what had happened, so he won't know for about a week what happened. And it hurts so much to know that he is so far, and neither of us can do anything about it. I realized I can't do it all on my own. Without Cody, I'm a mess. We miss him so much, and everything seems to be going wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. 

Cody we love you... 

Day 15

WELL. Today was really long, and REALLY boring. All I did was sit around and play on my computer. I did start planning to go see Cody for his graduation and such. I booked my room, and now I have a new project to work on. Getting my car in shape to go on the trip! HAHA! 


Tiny Baby has been growing some more. He has started having yelling wars with me, and finds them highly amusing. He will make a noise, and I will make a similar noise, and he thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Though I'm not sure he knows what that even is... Hmm. He apparently likes squash and apples.... Ew. He also has begun to stand in his playpen. He is working so hard on walking, he's a VERY determined baby. He gently pats his hand on the highchair to ask for another bite if I'm being slow; and its polite. It's a very soft pat. However if I don't give him a bite for too long he gets pissed off at me and starts banging on the highchair and hollering at me to hurry up! 


I managed to book a room from the 22-25th of May to see hubby. I'm so excited to go see him! And he gets his laptop and phone for AIT!!! So anyone that wants to see him while he is there needs to download Skype. I have so many projects and plans for when Cody comes home and when I get to see him, I'm so excited! 


I have been writing him every day since I got his address. I hope he gets them soon, so he knows how much we love him. OHOHOH!!! And I got a tan from going to the Festival of Colors! Go me! Huzzah!!! I hope to get many more over the summer. I miss being all Indian skinned... Anyway, that's basically it, other than some funny conversations I've had throughout the day, but I posted those on facebook. 


Cody, baby we miss you so much and will definitely be there for your graduation! I hope you are as excited as me and Tiny Baby are!!! 

Day 14

We got a call from Cody today!!! YAY!!! When I answered, all he said was hey, so I didn't recognize his voice at first... He sounded tired, but he didn't seem to mind. He asked about how we all were and kept telling me I could do this. Why can't I believe him?? I wish we had longer on the phone than 10 minutes... Hearing his voice kind of confused me. I wasn't sure whether I was happy or if it made it worse, but I am glad I got to talk to him. I miss him so much. 


Today was daddy's birthday, so we spent most of the day there. I feel bad because I couldn't get him something for his birthday. Tiny Baby was grumpy all day and would not let me put him down. So we had to come home early so he could go to bed. 


I have to figure out how I am going to go to Cody's graduation... He told me when I was on the phone that I needed to be there. He said it would be good for all of us if I were there. But I don't know how I will without a car. He hasn't received any of our letters, which means he's gonna get them all dumped on his head at once! Hehe... He also said I should be receiving another letter soon, since he sent one on Friday. I really hope we do.... 


I feel like I am falling apart again, and it scares me. The way I was the week he left, I felt like I was dying, but it wouldn't end. It hurt so much, and I don't want to go back to that. 


I just want my husband back. I miss him... 


Cody, your baby misses you very much, and so do I. I hope you are doing well, and have something to keep your mind on track of what you are doing. We love you baby... 

Day 13

Boy today was eventful! I woke up tired, after having a migraine most of the night and swindling my sister into rubbing my back and neck until I could finally sleep. Then I took my meds, changed and fed the fat boy, and soon after laid him down for his nap, seeing as he fell asleep in his bouncer. Little cutie. So my dad watched tiny Baby for the day so I could take my sister to the Holi Festival, or Festival of Colors, in Spanish Fork.


Talk about interesting. We had to park 3 miles away from the Sri Sri Radha Krishna temple, and walk there. On the way we listened to a girl behind us whine about how the chalk was going to make her all ugly. I nearly tripped over my sister laughing when a little boy ran by and blasted her with purple chalk. Priceless. So we finally get to the temple and I'm dizzy and nauseous from not having eaten anything. So we head for the shopping area they have up on the side of the temple, and I get hit, literally HIT in the eye with green chalk. My right eye. Finally we managed to sit down and eat something and we watched some people sneak into other peoples pictures when they weren't looking. 


When we were done, Bumblebee and I walked to the little pool we took pictures at last year, and took pictures again! We heard the announcement for the next throwing, and wandered around the hill so I could get some pictures of it. As we walked around the hill, another kid ran by me, and HIT me in the eye with GREEN chalk! My right eye AGAIN! So I spent about ten minutes trying to get it all out, while my sister laughed hysterically at me. Then we saw an ambulance coming in the gate. Apparently someone had gone into a diabetic seizure. We got pictures of the throwing and were swamped with the chalk cloud. 


Bumblebees friend was coming, so we wandered to the entrance to wait for her. On the way down, some random girl ran by me and GROPED ME. I was like, what the hell??? That is MY boob, thank you very much! So we waited and waited for Bumble's friend, and waited some more. We finally got bored and began walking towards the gate when Bumble got a text saying she was walking up to the gate. We sat and watched for her, and somehow she walked right by us. So I sat down and waited for Bumble to find her friend. When they came down to meet me, they covered me with chalk. I accidentally opened my eyes and got pink chalk in my LEFT eye!!! Urgh. So we hung out with her and then left.


We had to walk the three miles back to the car, and by then I had horrible blisters on my tootsies. As we were walking down the street, some kids already heading home yelled out the window, "You guys are gross!" and some guy walking behind us yelled back, "Your mom's gross!" Me and bumble could NOT stop laughing. We finally made it back to the car about the time I wanted to die. I kept thinking the whole time, "Cody's running around doing this same thing with a big ass pack on his back and I'm whining that my foot hurts?! I suck so bad..." 


We got home and Tiny Baby had already gone to bed. I was thinking THANK GOD, cuz I am TOO sore and tired to do it. 


Traffic was HORRIBLE. We ended up having to turn around about 4 times because we ended up being in the wrong lane when we needed to turn, because no one would let us over!! We stopped at Wendy's and when we got home, I took a shower, which was purple for the first ten minutes!! HAHA!!! PURPLE SHOWER!!! And now I am sore, tired, depressed and about to go to sleep. Cody did not call today, nor did I get a letter, so I am a little bummed and worried. I hope to hear from him tomorrow, and hopefully get a letter on Monday.


So, without further ado, Cody we love you and miss you and I have my fingers crossed for tomorrow and Monday and GOODNIGHT BABY!!!!! 

Day 12

So we had a pretty big day. Woke up early, and Tiny Baby was just sitting in his crib, playing quietly with his binky, waiting for me to come get him. It gave me a chance to wake up and get ready for the day, and I appreciated him all the more for that. I gave him a bottle and he immediately took a nap, funnily enough. So I took that time to get ready some more and begin my day. 


I started to get to know another person within the military world. Her son is in Cody's unit. It helped so much to talk to someone else going through virtually the same thing I was. We went to take care of the military id and the insurance stuff, but no one ever told me they weren't there on Fridays, so I have to go back in next week. Grrr. So I wasted some of what little money I had left on gas to do so. 


Money is getting tight, and I'm starting to panic a bit about it. But, I will figure something out, somehow. Momma is giving me a part time job cleaning her house, so that should help a little. I haven't received anymore letters yet, and it's kind of bumming me out a little. BUT the cool thing is, Cody has a letter going out every day, so he shouldn't feel lonely too much, I hope. I miss him so much. 


I have been keeping up with my meds lately, trying to level myself out so I am not panicking as much. I need to get them refilled. I also need to make appointments and plans for Cody's graduation. I dunno what I am going to do. I'm going to clean out the car at some point and have the lot come and get it, I can't afford to pay for it and nor do I want to. It's a piece of crap and we want to save up for a good car. I really need to get stuff done. I'm actually running out of time! Hehe! I've got two months to get all this stuff taken care of, the house ready for Cody to come home, and me ready to see the hubby! 


Tiny Baby was so tired tonight that he was falling asleep eating his dinner! It was so cute! And he went right to sleep when I put him to bed! I've realized lately that I have always taken Cody for granted. But now, he and I are both realizing how much we need and love each other. I am looking forward to the day he gets to come home and be with his son, and to hug me. That's all I want is one more hug... 


Cody, I hope you are sleeping well tonight and getting the much needed rest I know you need. We love you so much and can't wait to see you again! 

Day 11

Not much happened today. I got up, checked the mail, no letter from Cody, just the graduation date and such, but that made me feel a little better knowing when I could see him again. I went to my mom's again, and took Tiny Baby to get his 6 and 9 month shots. He only cried for like 3 seconds and when I picked him up he laughed at me. We thought we had lost his binky and searched the doctor's office for it like crazy. As we were about to leave, I looked down to pick up the diaper bag and noticed it sticking out of my shirt... Weirdo baby must have dropped it when I picked him up. 


Other than that I just spent the day on my computer and writing to Cody. When we came home, Tiny Baby was Grumpy Baby. I let him play for a bit, fed him, bathed him and sent him to bed. I fed him a little extra than normal because the doc said not to give him bottles in the middle of the night when he wakes up anymore, because he should be sleeping through the night. I know he is only waking up because his Daddy is gone. He was sleeping through the night for the most part before he left. 


I'm doing a little better. Not much, but better. I do much better on the days I get letters from my hubby. He's such a sweetheart, it's like highschool all over again, when we would write letters to each other back and forth all day. It really means a lot to me when I get a letter from him. I am hoping I get one tomorrow. If not, I will be patient. As patient as you can when you decide to write him a letter all day just to keep you busy... HAHA. 


Anyway, his graduation date is May 24, and his family day is the 23rd. At least thats what the paper said, I am going to double check with him just to make sure before I reserve the hotel room and start making travel plans. Well that is pretty much it for the day. I will update again tomorrow, especially if I get another letter! ^.^


We love you so much Cody and hope you are doing okay! 

Day 10

The best day so far! We finally got another letter from Cody, TWO in fact!! I was so excited! I came home and read it and now I am going to write this and read it again! 


We spent the day at my mom's so I wouldn't be as upset, and so I could get out of the house. Tiny Baby was so tired when we came home. I spent the day watching the Food Network for the most part, learning some new recipes I want to try for Cody when he comes home, and making fun of the Giada at home or whoever she is. Tiny Baby spent the afternoon trying to eat my face and I tickled him. He would sit on my tummy make stinkies and yell at me like it was my fault he was doing so!! It was the funniest thing. 


I didn't get my letters until this evening though, because I was at my mom's. Tomorrow Tiny Baby gets shots, we apparently missed his six month appointment. He's not gonna be a happy baby, tomorrow. I will need to run to the store and buy some stamps and a phone card for the hubby. Today felt like it DRAGGED HARDCORE, but I made it through!! And now, it's late, I'm old, I'm going to address letters and go to bed. ^.^


Cody-Bear, we love you and miss you SO SO SO SO SO much!!! 

Day 9

Suck. That's all I can say. I suck. I had such a breakdown last night that I nearly called my mother to put me in a psyche ward. I don't understand why this is hitting me so hard... All I want is him to come home... 


Anyway... Tiny Baby decided around 2 AM this morning to call me Mama, when he woke up and whimpered for me. It made me feel like he is missing his Daddy more than I thought. He's beginning to explore different fruits and steamed vegetables with his mesh eating thing, and likes so far; mango, banana, pears, cantaloupe and steamed carrots. He's such a good eater. He's taking less bottles now and eating more substantial foods now. He smiles at his Auntie Tori, his Auntie B.B. and his Grandaddy. It's so cute how much he loves people. I adore my little man. I am already planning his birthday party! 


I got the folding table cleaned up and all the clean laundry folded, hung or set aside for sorting. The kitchen is cleaned up, our room is mostly cleaned up and almost ready to rearrange. Woohoo. Tiny Baby and I went to Tori's for dinner and visited. And then we went to my moms and visited there so dad could give us a ride home. 


There's not much to tell about today... I was disappointed when I went to the mailbox and only found junk mail. I can't bear to be around anything or anyone that reminds me of Cody, or I fall apart... This is insane. One second I am fine, and the next I feel like utter crap. I am so sick of this... No matter how hard I try I still fall apart!!! 


I dunno what to do. Hopefully soon I will figure something out, or I swear my heart is going to give out with the strain of the panic. :( Anyway, I really hope Cody is doing ok and contacts me soon.... We love you, Cody and hope you are enjoying yourself and learning some cool stuff... 

Day 8

We got a letter today!! I was so excited when Shane came in with the mail and handed me that letter! It made my whole day. I wasn't nearly as upset today! And the baby seemed much happier too. We tried to do one nap today but he got sleepy in the afternoon and got really upset, so I had to lay him down for awhile. 

Shane made us dinner tonight, he made us country fried steaks and mashed potatoes and gravy. It was really good, but eating it made me feel sad. I started getting upset again this afternoon, but I am trying to quell that. I read Cody's letter at least five times throughout the day, and then read it to the baby just before he went to bed. I showed him pictures of his Daddy again, and gave him extra kisses for his Daddy as well. I colored a lot of Easter pictures and want to laminate them so I can keep them for future Easters. I think I will do the same for each holiday. 

I already have three letters to send to Cody when he sends me his address. I also helped Tiny Baby color on a piece of paper for his Daddy, and put a picture of us in the envelope with it. Then I colored him a paper Peep, since he can't receive food. 

I'm excited for the letters to come. I hope we get some more soon, they seem to help at least a little. As soon as I got it, I wrote him another one! Well, Tiny Baby is in bed, and I should probably start heading that way, too. 

Cody we love you!!!! 

Day 7

Day 7... What to say... Well I managed to get half the house cleaned, had to stop constantly so I wouldn't panic too much, but I managed it. Our piping began backing up into my shower, so I can't use my shower right now. We have to get it fixed. Urgh. Tiny Baby somehow managed to find a peanut on the floor that Uncle Shane had dropped and tried to eat it. I freaked out because it was a peanut. And who knows, he could have been allergic!!! 

I think I am starting to manage things a little better. I found a song that made me feel a little better, called "When You Come Home" by J-Deuce. It was nice to feel better for once. I now have a plan for coloring pages, cleaning and generally trying to keep my brain shut off, but still get things done. Hopefully it will help. 

The cat has found out how to hunt and play with living rodents. It's kind of funny, she ate everything but a mouse's heart today. She left it by the fire pit for me. How sweet! Lovely little kitty, really. It snowed today... gloomy, cold and boring. EW.

My sister Britt was the biggest help this weekend. She talked to me and helped me with the house, and took care of the baby so I could sleep in! She's an amazing sister, and Tiny Baby loves his Auntie B.B. OH! And the ward missionary guys invited us to a dinner at one of their houses. The older one went on a mission to either China or Japan and made us all real homemade food!! It was awesome! And I got to meet some of the other ward members. Tiny Baby is sleeping now. I really wish his Daddy could give him hugs and kisses. But for now I will shower him with extra love for his Daddy, and keep reminding him that his Daddy loves him. 

I didn't get a call today, kind of made me sad. I cried a little, but kept trying to tell myself, he will call soon. Hopefully I get at least a letter this week so I can start writing to him. I'm excited to write to him. I miss our letters we used to write in high school. Well, that's pretty much it for today. 

Cody, baby we love you so much, and hope you are having a good time, no matter how hard or obnoxious it is. 

Day 6

Yeah, I'm posting this a little late tonight, but that's because Tiny Baby didn't go to bed until late. He bonked his noggin on the wall trying to stand up, so I kept him up to make sure he was okay. We still have had no word from Cody, but we are hoping we will soon. I'm desperately hoping we will soon. Not much happened today. The neighbors had a St. Patrick's Day party, and me Shane and Brittaney hung out watching Supernatural. It's gotten to be a pretty boring tv show. 

Tiny Baby is getting more vocal. He's starting to make more and more sounds. He also enjoys showering Mommy with a spit cereal and carrots mixture. He's a pretty dang good shot. Apparently he blew up his diaper for his Auntie B.B. after his first nap this morning... Hehe. He's been the biggest support for me, I think. With his little hands holding mine. When I'm sad, he puts his hand on top of mine and smiles, like he's trying to say "It's ok, Mommy." And I can't not smile back. He's not quite out of the size 5 diapers, but he's sure getting there. And he's turned into an acro-butt. I have to do some gymnastics myself just to get the boy's diapers and clothes on, he's so dang squirmy. And he finds it funny! He goes to bed easily, and hugs his bottle to him, like a stuffed animal, but screams most of the night for his Daddy... He gets excited whenever Uncle Robbie comes over, though, it's kind of funny. I wonder if Robbie reminds him of his Daddy. I hope so, as long as it keeps Tiny Man from breaking down as badly as me. 

I have been very selfish about this whole thing, and may continue to do so, but I am trying hard not to. I'm scared, and alone basically. Everything I see reminds me of Cody. I keep having flashbacks of things we've done throughout the house and town, and it makes me fall apart. I don't know how to stop it, and I have tried many things to make it better. I just can't seem to do it. I managed to clean the living room (again), and started on the kitchen, but there were so many memories from the kitchen, especially the breakfast I made the morning Cody left, that I broke down and curled up on the kitchen floor crying. 

Tomorrow I am going to try and go to church. Need to try and get a meeting with him, so I am going to talk to the clerk. We are also going to try and finish the house, if i don't break down too much. I am so tired of the breakdowns... I can't seem to stop them, no matter what I try to focus on. There are still a few things I am going to try... But we will see how this goes. 

I haven't been eating like I should, my stomach has been rumbling for two days. I'm trying to force myself to eat, but I just make myself sick... My blood pressure seems to have jumped, and I am having trouble pulling in breaths, as I did when I had the baby. 

Cody, I want you to know, I love you and hope you get through this, with all the love and support from us you need. I am still there for you, still rooting for you and will always love you. Keep your chin up baby.... Tiny Baby and I love you.  

Day 5

Seriously, I cannot handle this... Every time the baby cries, I cry... If only I knew how to write to Cody... I don't even have his address yet and I feel like I am losing my mind... I'm not strong enough for this, why did he think I was... I can't breathe when I realize over and over again that he's not here. I want to be supportive, but I feel like I fall apart more each day. My meds aren't helping either. I just want to curl into a ball and cry until he comes home...  


The baby was grumpy ALL day... He grumped about his bum, he grumped about eating, especially when he was eating dinner. He got so mad he somehow ended up with food in his nose. He's gotten violent all of a sudden, trying to claw and tear at me, screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason, and just in general being a grouch. I don't know what is going on... I'm pretty sure he's upset too. I just don't know what to do anymore... 


I'm pretty sure I managed to take care of the car problem, the tv is kosher, and we have some food in the house now. Still have problems with the pipes backing up, though. Hopefully we can get that taken care of... God this house is depressing... Every time I look into my room I want to fall apart all over again. Everywhere I look I am reminded of what is missing and it hurts so much... 


I think the baby might be coming down with another cold or something, he's been warm and much fussier today... Me, I'm pretty sure I may have strep, and possibly have an even bigger problem on top of it, though it hasn't shown its face yet. The house is still looks like a blast zone... I still haven't heard from Cody, no letters calls or emails so far and I'm going crazy waiting. Why does the military have to be so stuck on virtually no contact from the outside world? I never should have agreed to this... I never should have pretended to be ok with it... I hate myself for not being able to handle this. 


I know it won't help if he knows this, and I know I sound stupid... I love him so much, and I want him to enjoy it and do well. I do... I want to push him and encourage him, and give him support. And I will. But at the same time, part of me is missing. Part of me hurts, and won't stop. 


Soon hopefully I will be out of the state, far from things that remind me of him in ways that won't help. Maybe if I stop seeing things like our bed, the baby's nursery where he rocked the baby, and the kitchen where I made him breakfast and the guns we shot the day he left, it won't hurt so much.

Day 4

So today was no better than the last three days on my part. It made me realize just how much I really suck. I woke up crying, that's how much. Every time I looked at the baby, or walked into my room, I'd cry. I tried to clean and keep myself busy, but it just seems like everything is against me in that aspect. When trying to clean, the water in the sink and shower began to back up so I cannot wash anything, including myself! And I can't go anywhere because my car is currently shut off. So now I have to get those looked at. We are running out of food, too. This whole situation has left me feeling abandoned, because Cody left without much planning and we have no money to fall back on. 

I'm doing the best I can to keep us afloat, though. Called WIC, the car place and even tried to get an appointment with the bishop in my ward. I feel bad because I can't pull it together... I try and try and then suddenly fall apart again. I think not being able to talk to Cody is what hits me the most. Our house is a disaster, it seriously looks like a tornado hit it, and I want to fix it, but I look at it and keep putting it off because it seems so much on top of everything else. 

The baby is doing great. He is moving so much more each day. He's started standing up using anything he can hold onto, and even started sharing things with me. This morning, though, he scratched my face pretty good, and I cried even more. He's getting really strong. He can grab his Daddy's temporary dog tag around my neck and tug until it chokes me, just so he can eat the tag!! He's so cute, and he LOVES his ouffs and cookies. He shoves the whole pinwheel cookies in his mouth, so I have to watch him with those. 

I started reading The Hunger Games last night, not gonna lie, it's kind of boring. Reminds me a lot of Hatchet. But I will finish reading it anyhow. 

I'm staying at the inlaws tonight, Tom and Tori invited me over to get dinner and watch movies, so we went to Zupa's and I got a tomato basil soup with orzo pasta and a BBQ chicken salad, as well as a mangoberry creme brulee. The creme brulee was delicious, the salad ok and the soup GROSS! Haha. It had too much basil in it, so much I got a chunk of basil leaves every time I took a bite. Trust me, not pleasant. Tomorrow I go to talk to the car people about how they are going to help me until Codys first paycheck comes through. URGH. Dealing with bills and the people that hold them SUCKS. 

Jeebus I miss my husband... Cody I love you SO much, and wish you were here. Tiny Baby misses you just as much, he loves looking at pictures of you and smiles when I ask if that's you in the picture. Please write soon... or call... anything... 

Day 3

Today was a tiny step forward. Not for me, but for my Tiny Baby. He smiled, ate his food, took his naps and even slept through the night last night. I show him pictures of his Daddy every night before he goes to bed, and he pats the picture and smiles, like he knows exactly what it is. He's getting so big, so fast and it worries me... I wish his Daddy could see the things he is doing now. He pulls himself up in his crib, gives Mommy kisses and picks up his little puffs in his thumb and forefinger. He's getting too big WAY too quick for his Mommy to keep up. It's funny, when he is playing airplane (mommy whooshes him in the air), he will come back down to rest on my tummy and immediately tries to eat my shirt or gum my face and giggle. He sure does miss his Daddy. 


I on the other hand, haven't been able to move forward as easily as Tiny Baby. Don't get me wrong, I AM trying. I washed  the dishwasher and oven doors, and cleaned out a cupboard while the baby was napping, but other than that I haven't gotten far in the distracting myself, other than Facebook games. I am going to make a plan to try and get out of the house a little more, though. OH, I did get the livingroom picked up for the most part, and sanitized the baby's bouncer and walker. 


I bought a book yesterday, "Hunger Games" so I can try and get into it. I also bought it so my hubby could read it when he gets home, since he had wanted to before he left. We marked off another day on our new calendar using our green sharpie. Down to 119 days until Cody's birthday, since we don't know the day he will be coming home yet. 


I am still working on the laminated pictures for the Tiny Baby. I hope it helps him remember his Daddy and give him a better sense of him as well. I miss my husband so much. I don't know how to pull myself out of this gloom... If only he could talk to me more, I would be okay, but I haven't a clue if he will even be able to talk to me at all, other than letters. I hope he writes one soon, a long one, that I can read over and over until I get his next one. I still need his address... GR. Anyway, once he emails/writes/calls, I will let everyone know how he is doing. Until tomorrow, I love you all. And Cody, Tiny Baby and I love you and miss you immensely... Be safe... 

Day 2

Day 2; more hell and less smiles. I got to text my hubby most of the day, and he did his damnedest to make me feel better. Unfortunately, it didn't help much. He was stuck at the airport all day after getting stuck the night before, and had to sleep in the USO offices. All day he had to wait for his shuttle, and did not get to the base until late this evening. I was grateful for the extra time to talk. The baby isn't doing any better about eating and sleeping... I'm starting to worry about him more. He is so attached to his daddy and I, but with his daddy gone, I don't feel like he loves me anymore.


Anytime I try to cheer him up, feed him or hold him, David screams at me and tries to squirm away... He gums my face like hes trying to bite me, and spits his food at me. He eats a little for Uncle Shane and even smiles for him and Auntie Tori... But for me, it's like it's all my fault. I swear my baby hates me now... 


Everyone is trying to cheer me up, but it doesn't seem too help. I feel like half my heart is in a whole other state. Which means I can't fecking breathe. It feels wrong. I tried to cheer up the baby today. I printed off and framed some pictures of the baby, us and his daddy, and he smiled when he saw them... It hurts that I can't hand him to his daddy when he's crying for him... I did have a thought, though. I am going to see about printing, laminating and hole punching some pictures of his daddy and putting them on a ring for him to play with.


I haven't gotten anything accomplished the last three days. I tried to write, but my brain shut down, tried playing games, but I couldn't think straight and just kept hurting my scores instead of improving. We've run out of money from Cody's last paycheck, so we are taking the car back to the lot, sending our tv back to RAC, and cutting my phone back to a cheap brick. That is if we can afford to keep the phones on till his first check comes in. We are still waiting on the insurance stuff too... I feel like this whole thing has made our situation worse... 


This evening, when he finally made it to the base, he called me for ten seconds to tell me he was safe... Then hung up. I never got a chance to say I loved him, he was just gone like that. I wish I knew how things really worked and what he could and couldn't do, and when he could call me... I hate waiting and sitting around. This sucks. 


All I can do is hope something changes... 

Day 1

Technically I am writing this on Day 2, very early in the morning, but I figured it must be done anyway. The past twenty-four hours have been a kind of hell for me. After saying goodbye to my husband, and nearly tearing my heart in two walking away from him, I spent the rest of the night in a crumpled heap in my bed, crying harder than I ever have in my life. The baby also knew something was wrong, his daddy wasn't home. He would wake up screaming throughout the night.


When I finally managed to get up this morning, thankful to my brother for watching the baby so I could get a few hours sleep, I felt like a weight had landed on my head. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep until Cody comes home. But my baby needed me. So I went upstairs and tried my best to play with him. All day and evening he refused to eat or drink almost everything. But we finally got him to eat some of his puff things. He wouldn't nap, either. He wanted to be held or played with all day, or he would cry his poor little heart out. 


Shane went and got donuts for me, trying to cheer me up, and even picked up Anna. Sadly though, these did little for my heart. I am glad for them being there and trying, but its so much harder than I thought this would be. Yes I am bitter about the military. I have never liked the military, because it took my mother (and my stepfather) away from me for long periods of time. Which I am terrified it will do to my Little Man. I don't want him growing up wondering why his Daddy isn't home... I made some hot wings for dinner, apparently I made them well because they were gone almost as fast as I made them. 


Some things I need to admit. I am bitter about this whole situation. I am afraid Cody will come back a different person, one that either doesn't want me, or that I will fear the rest of my life. But one thing I am determined about, maybe two things; I am going to try and be ok through all this, for my husband. Because he does so much for me, I can at least support him to my best ability. Because I love him. More than anything. Also, I am determined to be healthier, and hopefully skinnier, when my hubby returns. To show that I can be ok. I love you Cody. And I hope you are doing alright. I will be sure to post a Day 2 later today.


Love Always, 
Pretty Lady and Tiny Baby