Day 6

Yeah, I'm posting this a little late tonight, but that's because Tiny Baby didn't go to bed until late. He bonked his noggin on the wall trying to stand up, so I kept him up to make sure he was okay. We still have had no word from Cody, but we are hoping we will soon. I'm desperately hoping we will soon. Not much happened today. The neighbors had a St. Patrick's Day party, and me Shane and Brittaney hung out watching Supernatural. It's gotten to be a pretty boring tv show. 

Tiny Baby is getting more vocal. He's starting to make more and more sounds. He also enjoys showering Mommy with a spit cereal and carrots mixture. He's a pretty dang good shot. Apparently he blew up his diaper for his Auntie B.B. after his first nap this morning... Hehe. He's been the biggest support for me, I think. With his little hands holding mine. When I'm sad, he puts his hand on top of mine and smiles, like he's trying to say "It's ok, Mommy." And I can't not smile back. He's not quite out of the size 5 diapers, but he's sure getting there. And he's turned into an acro-butt. I have to do some gymnastics myself just to get the boy's diapers and clothes on, he's so dang squirmy. And he finds it funny! He goes to bed easily, and hugs his bottle to him, like a stuffed animal, but screams most of the night for his Daddy... He gets excited whenever Uncle Robbie comes over, though, it's kind of funny. I wonder if Robbie reminds him of his Daddy. I hope so, as long as it keeps Tiny Man from breaking down as badly as me. 

I have been very selfish about this whole thing, and may continue to do so, but I am trying hard not to. I'm scared, and alone basically. Everything I see reminds me of Cody. I keep having flashbacks of things we've done throughout the house and town, and it makes me fall apart. I don't know how to stop it, and I have tried many things to make it better. I just can't seem to do it. I managed to clean the living room (again), and started on the kitchen, but there were so many memories from the kitchen, especially the breakfast I made the morning Cody left, that I broke down and curled up on the kitchen floor crying. 

Tomorrow I am going to try and go to church. Need to try and get a meeting with him, so I am going to talk to the clerk. We are also going to try and finish the house, if i don't break down too much. I am so tired of the breakdowns... I can't seem to stop them, no matter what I try to focus on. There are still a few things I am going to try... But we will see how this goes. 

I haven't been eating like I should, my stomach has been rumbling for two days. I'm trying to force myself to eat, but I just make myself sick... My blood pressure seems to have jumped, and I am having trouble pulling in breaths, as I did when I had the baby. 

Cody, I want you to know, I love you and hope you get through this, with all the love and support from us you need. I am still there for you, still rooting for you and will always love you. Keep your chin up baby.... Tiny Baby and I love you.