Day 20

Twenty days. Twenty days have gone by since Cody left, and it still feels like he left yesterday. Why can't time go faster? Why can't he just be home already? We miss him so much. 

We got two letters in the mail from him today. Talk about a shock! He has so little time to write it was amazing! He's doing okay, having a little trouble, but I have confidence in him, and I know he'll do fine. We are hoping for a phone cal from him tomorrow, though short it may be. The baby needs to hear his daddy's voice. 

Today was pretty rough. We had some issues within the household, had to make some changes, and now I am home alone... At night. I hate this. Yeah, I have my own ways of protecting myself, but I'm scared I'm not quick enough to protect the baby. And this house is godawful creepy. I got some laundry done today, and made potato salad. 

We were supposed to go to my grandma's for an easter thing but that didn't work out. Also, we almost ran out of formula, and we ran out of money weeks ago. So my inlaws brought some over, and came to see the baby. We sat outside for a bit while he tried to catch the cat. He pulls her hair and her ears, and she just meows in complaint. She hasn't tried to eat him yet. 

Tiny Baby got so tired today, he was falling asleep in his bouncer before I fed him dinner. So I fed him, then we sat outside to wait for them to show up, he was trying to walk while I held him up. And for some reason he keeps shoving his hand down his throat, gagging himself and thinks it's funny. 

I haven't eaten all day... I don't know what's wrong with me. I literally keep forgetting to eat, and it doesn't bother me in the least. When I try to eat something I look at the food and feel sick. I force myself to eat and I get sick. I'm still shaking a little. Ah well. I could stand to lose a few pounds anyway... 

Tomorrow I am going to try and finish the laundry, and possibly go to my mom's for the paperview. I hope she gets it, I could use the distraction, and an excuse to go to her house... She's been so good to me, she paid my phone bill just so I could get the phone call from Cody so he could talk to the baby... I love her so much, and my daddy for being so caring. He tries to make sure I'm involved, invited to stuff and not losing my mind. I'm glad I have so many people that care about me. 

Addie has been helping me too, she tries to make sure my brain is in other places and not constantly on the fact that Cody isn't here. I really owe her a lot. 

Well, I better get the laundry switched over so the wet clothes can dry... Until tomorrow everyone! 

Hoping I get a call from you tomorrow baby, you could use encouragement just as much as me... <3

Day 19

I struggled today. With thoughts of Cody being deployed and never seeing him again, I couldn't make it the entire day cleaning and unpacking. I kept finding things that had different meanings to him and wondering what would happen to them if he never came home. I know I shouldn't think like that, but it's a thought that won't stay out of my head. 

I got the tv and game stand moved downstairs, and got all the boxes a little more organized. Cleaned up the baby's room so he could play on the floor while I cleaned. I also got a little laundry done, not much, but at least some. I need a shower... Haha. 

Tiny Baby refused to take his naps today, and cried himself out finally. He had "garden vegetables" for dinner, haha whatever those are. We took lots of pictures today, some of which I am going to print off and send in his letter tonight. He has started using the "guh" noise more frequently, instead of screaming AHAHAHAHAHAH! at me. He will eat anything I give him, he hasn't turned his nose up yet, or spit anything at me on purpose. When he blows his little raspberries at Mommy he thinks its funny when food goes everywhere. 

He is in bed now, trying to fight sleep. He gave me so many smiles and kisses and hugs today. I think he knew I needed them. Hopefully we get a letter from Cody tomorrow... Usually when I get a letter, everything is okay again. I wrote Cody a 4 paper letter today, teehee. I love writing to him, and him writing to me. I found the folder I kept all the letters he wrote me in highschool in and got to read them all this morning. 

I'm glad I have such a sweet husband, and I never want anything to happen to him. I don't know what I would do without him in my life. He is the most amazing man I have ever known. 

Cody, baby we love you and will keep loving you!!! 

Day 18

So things are looking up a little. Had a pretty good day. Happy birthday to  my sister in law Tori! HI TORI!!! Anyway, the day started off with me waking up feeling like utter crap. I haven't been eating much, so I keep ending up shaking and sick. Don't freak out, I try to eat, but I cant seem to swallow much or keep it down. 


We went to lunch at Noodles & Co. for Tori's birthday. Talk about an adventure! Her car wouldn't start this morning so they jumped it, and when we got back it wouldn't even make a noise when we tried to turn it on. So we had to take the jeep. Then we picked up her plates and went to get my ID. WHICH I finally have! It's so cool! 
Then when I got home, SURPRISE!!! A letter from Cody! HELLZ YES!


So of course, I got to read the letter, and then wrote him a quick one so I wouldn't miss a day of sending him one. Apparently he got all my letters that I sent him the first day I had his address, and his DS told him apparently someone really loves him haha, it was funny how he described it. I love getting his letters, they make me feel so much better. 


Tiny Baby is getting too big for his little britches! He stands himself up, and now instead of falling back down and bonking his noggin, he plops himself on his butt and catches himself with his hands! And he started using the guh-guh-guh noise today. He's getting too damn big!!! 


Anyway, I have a long day of cleaning and organizing tomorrow, so I had better end this here! Cody we love you and can't wait for you to read all these! 

Day 17

Today was a little better than yesterday. Of course no paramedics were called, so it was probably saintly compared to yesterday. I still haven't gotten to any of my projects, but I hope to fix that this weekend at the latest. There's so much to do in the next two months, I just can't seem to get myself motivated. 


Tiny Baby has been pretty happy. Still keeps his binky around, though. Poor little guy misses his Daddy so much. I play some videos we had made for him every now and then so he wont forget his Daddy's voice, and show him pictures still. I am going to start uploading videos of me and Tiny Baby for him to watch when he is in AIT, here shortly. They will be on youtube, so if you want the link for it, let me know. He has been very vocal lately, mostly yelling AHHH at me, but he says MMM every now and then, and said MAMA twice since Cody left. He is also pulling himself up in his playpen now and looking over the side at me like "Hey! Lady!" It's awful cute. 


Me, eh. I'm kind of in a numbness at this point. I have my good days, my okay days, my bad days, and my oh shit kill me now days. Mostly the last two, but I am okay. I have to be, for Cody. He wants and needs me to be strong, and yes I fall apart and wish him to come home, but I am supporting him with every ounce of strength I have. I am sending him a package tomorrow, with pens, stamps and pictures, as well as a REALLY long letter. 


My house is a mess, my car doesn't work, my phones are about to be shut off, as well as internet and utilities, and rent is due on the first. No paycheck has come yet. BUT, I'm not too freaked out. It will work itself out, or at least level out at some point. 55 more days until family day, which means 53 until I leave for it. Whether I like it or not, I'm going to make it. I just wish I could see the road there clearly enough to be okay. I'll get there. 


Oh and I tried canned oysters today, since Utah has no fresh southern food. All I have to say is GOD I HATE BEING LANDLOCKED. Yech. 


Anyway, Cody I know you will be reading this at some point, and I hope you are okay and getting enough sleep and food. Tiny Baby and I miss you SO SO much and hope you miss us too!!! 

Day 16

Today has been the hardest day since Cody left, I think. I didn't have the energy or desire to wake up this morning, and could barely move when I did. Stress and depression have been kicking me in the side of the head all day. And what happened made it even worse.

Early this afternoon, our baby started choking on something while lying flat on his back in his playpen. We were at my mom's house. He had been just laying there quietly, sucking on his binky, and suddenly started choking and couldn't breathe. I immediately picked him up, checked his mouth and airway, and then flipped him over and started patting his back, telling my sister to call 911. I had to walk her through what to tell them because I was trying to get him breathing again. He couldn't seem to swallow or cough up whatever it was, so we think it may have been too much saliva from teething, but he finally threw up. The lady stayed on the phone with us, checking how many breaths he was taking, until the EMTs and the ambulance showed up.

The EMTs sent the ambulance off, after making sure Tiny Baby was okay, and continued to keep an eye on him for about ten minutes. By then, the baby was laughing and kicking his foot at the EMT's hand. I'm fairly certain my heart had stopped when the baby stopped breathing. It scared the hell out of my sister, too. After that, Tiny Baby was okay, grumpy but okay. 

I spent the rest of the day nearly in tears. I couldn't call or anything to tell Cody what had happened, so he won't know for about a week what happened. And it hurts so much to know that he is so far, and neither of us can do anything about it. I realized I can't do it all on my own. Without Cody, I'm a mess. We miss him so much, and everything seems to be going wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. 

Cody we love you... 

Day 15

WELL. Today was really long, and REALLY boring. All I did was sit around and play on my computer. I did start planning to go see Cody for his graduation and such. I booked my room, and now I have a new project to work on. Getting my car in shape to go on the trip! HAHA! 


Tiny Baby has been growing some more. He has started having yelling wars with me, and finds them highly amusing. He will make a noise, and I will make a similar noise, and he thinks it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Though I'm not sure he knows what that even is... Hmm. He apparently likes squash and apples.... Ew. He also has begun to stand in his playpen. He is working so hard on walking, he's a VERY determined baby. He gently pats his hand on the highchair to ask for another bite if I'm being slow; and its polite. It's a very soft pat. However if I don't give him a bite for too long he gets pissed off at me and starts banging on the highchair and hollering at me to hurry up! 


I managed to book a room from the 22-25th of May to see hubby. I'm so excited to go see him! And he gets his laptop and phone for AIT!!! So anyone that wants to see him while he is there needs to download Skype. I have so many projects and plans for when Cody comes home and when I get to see him, I'm so excited! 


I have been writing him every day since I got his address. I hope he gets them soon, so he knows how much we love him. OHOHOH!!! And I got a tan from going to the Festival of Colors! Go me! Huzzah!!! I hope to get many more over the summer. I miss being all Indian skinned... Anyway, that's basically it, other than some funny conversations I've had throughout the day, but I posted those on facebook. 


Cody, baby we miss you so much and will definitely be there for your graduation! I hope you are as excited as me and Tiny Baby are!!! 

Day 14

We got a call from Cody today!!! YAY!!! When I answered, all he said was hey, so I didn't recognize his voice at first... He sounded tired, but he didn't seem to mind. He asked about how we all were and kept telling me I could do this. Why can't I believe him?? I wish we had longer on the phone than 10 minutes... Hearing his voice kind of confused me. I wasn't sure whether I was happy or if it made it worse, but I am glad I got to talk to him. I miss him so much. 


Today was daddy's birthday, so we spent most of the day there. I feel bad because I couldn't get him something for his birthday. Tiny Baby was grumpy all day and would not let me put him down. So we had to come home early so he could go to bed. 


I have to figure out how I am going to go to Cody's graduation... He told me when I was on the phone that I needed to be there. He said it would be good for all of us if I were there. But I don't know how I will without a car. He hasn't received any of our letters, which means he's gonna get them all dumped on his head at once! Hehe... He also said I should be receiving another letter soon, since he sent one on Friday. I really hope we do.... 


I feel like I am falling apart again, and it scares me. The way I was the week he left, I felt like I was dying, but it wouldn't end. It hurt so much, and I don't want to go back to that. 


I just want my husband back. I miss him... 


Cody, your baby misses you very much, and so do I. I hope you are doing well, and have something to keep your mind on track of what you are doing. We love you baby...